* * Fun With Dick and Jane

27,840 Views | 555 Replies | Last: 5 days ago by 4th and Inches
Assassin
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Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I'm not a serial killer?

I replied the chances of two serial killer's being in the same car are astronomical.
Assassin
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In old Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you. However, Poison IV would just make you itchy
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Assassin
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I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
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Assassin
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I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me.

The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."
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4th and Inches
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I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."
4th and Inches
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I dont let my kids watch the orchestra, Too much sax and violins.
Malbec
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Nostradamus sent out "Save the Date" cards for his funeral.
Malbec
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I'm so old. I made my wife a mixed tape for our anniversary that she had to play on a Gramophone.
4th and Inches
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I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
4th and Inches
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I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.
Assassin
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Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It's the bottom of Beethoven's 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
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Assassin
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A lot of conflict in the Wild West could've been avoided had architects just made their towns big enough for everyone...
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Assassin
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beardoc
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Assassin said:

I named my dog '6 miles' so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.
4th and inches told it better.
Assassin
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Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 7.
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Assassin
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The guy who named the "Chimichanga" should really be given more authority to name things
Assassin
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Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn't agree.
Assassin
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People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing.
Assassin
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My train of thought is loco, no motive
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Assassin
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Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right! Tomorrow I'm going to try three.
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Mr. Sippi
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Assassin said:

Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right! Tomorrow I'm going to try three.

Two wrongs don't make a right -- but three left turns do...
Baylor grad, 'Bama dad
Assassin
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Mr. Sippi said:

Assassin said:

Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right! Tomorrow I'm going to try three.

Two wrongs don't make a right -- but three left turns do...
But four left turns.....
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Assassin
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A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.
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Assassin
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If the chemical symbol for water is H2O...

Is the chemical symbol for holy water H2Omg?
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Assassin
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When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
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Assassin
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Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever...
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Assassin
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Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
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Assassin
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Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don't do anything & they live for 150 years. Hmm...
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Assassin
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I get carried away sometimes

Usually because I refuse to leave
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4th and Inches
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Just finished my cardio for the week, I hate walking into spider webs!
beardoc
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Is it legal to pay midgets under the table?
Assassin
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I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don't get smart with me!"
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Assassin
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I'm currently watching the Spanish version of The Highlander.

There can only be Juan!
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Assassin
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I tried to give a cute waitress my number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
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Assassin
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I'm tried paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
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