I actually watched the entire thing because I'm a glutton for punishment. Actually, I expected fireworks between Biden and Warren. We didn't get much there, but I am willing to provide a synopsis of each candidate's body of work from the evening, for your enjoyment. Here goes:
Elizabeth Warren: I'm going to repeatedly dodge questions about what my healthcare for all plan will do to taxes and focus on deductibles coming down, even when the moderator specifically says to me, "I know you believe deductibles will come down, but what about taxes." I'm definitely not answering that. Blah blah blah rich people are bad blah blah blah corporations are bad blah blah blah profit is bad blah blah blah capitalism is bad blah blah blah government is good. I have a punchers chance at winning the nomination if Joe screws up enough.
Amy Klobuchar: I just spew pre-written lines that don't land and sound totally scripted and fake. I have a 0% chance of winning.
Julian Castro: I have little man syndrome and I'm playing spoiler by attacking Joe Biden to submarine his bid for the nomination. I have a 0% chance of winning. (Yes, I'm actually standing on a little box behind my podium to make me look taller.)
Kamala Harris: I'm just going to attack Trump every time I get the chance to speak. I have a 9% chance of winning but I bet I can get a VP nod because I'm a woman and I'm black.
Corey Booker: I'm not sure why I'm even here. I've added literally nothing but I did bring my angry eyes because I'm the Mr. Potato Head of politics. I hope no one notices have 13 extra bottom teeth. I have a 0% chance of winning.
Bernie Sanders: I'll have a foot long meatball on italian herbs and cheese. What? This isn't subway? Where am I? Miraculously, I have roughly a 30% chance of winning.
Pete Bootyjudge: Although I'm the best politician on the stage, I wouldn't be here if I wasn't gay. I have a 2% chance of winning.
Beto O'Rourke: I'm taking all your guns by force. Vote for Beto! I'll drive straight over the constitution in a drunken hit and run my dad will make go away. I have a 0% chance of winning.
Andrew Yang: I'm the only person on the stage who's actually functioned and thrived in the private sector. I'm not a complete pandering moron and some of my ideas are novel and might actually work. I'm articulate and people really seem to like me. I'm nowhere near as radical as the rest of these idiots. For precisely all these reasons, I have a 0% chance of winning.
Joe Biden: Did you know I was Obama's VP? My healthcare plan is slightly cheaper than Warren's and Sander's. I'm supposed to be the moderate on stage but my policies are further left than both Hillary Clinton's and Obama's cuz that's what the small minority of radical lefties on twitter want. I should win as long as I don't screw it up by saying something monumentally stupid, like referring to Bernie as "the President." Whoops. That already happened tonight.
I think that about sums it up.