Dan Foster
Hell.
As a child growing up in the evangelical tradition, I was taught that Hell is a literal place located somewhere in the bowels of the earth, where our supposedly loving and benevolent God condemns people to an eternity of fiery torture.
Yikes!
Sounds like a place you should avoid, don't you think?
Fortunately for you, I have drawn on every bit of my three and a half decades of experience in the evangelical church to compile a definitive list of people who will end up there. Drawn from the thousands of sermons I've been forced to listen to, along with the off-handed remarks I've heard from hardcore fundamentalist Christians who enjoy making mental listicles of sins that disqualify people from entering into their eternal bliss think of this list as your personal guide on how to avoid eternal torment.
All you have to do is make sure you're not one of these types of people, and you're set.
Who ends up in Hell?
Many fundamentalist 'Christians' maintain that Hell is reserved for people who are immoral. Helpfully, they are able to narrow this down into a few specific types of people:
People who voted for Clinton, Obama, Biden, or any democratic president in history
Liberals
Communists
Liars (unless they are also elected Republicans)
Thieves
Murderers
People who are violent
People who question my constitutional right to bear arms under the second amendment
People who question my right to invade other countries so that we can find and remove their weapons from them
People who don't live in the United States of America
Atheists
Agnostics
Catholics (according to protestants)
Protestants (according to Catholics)
Hypocrites
Pagans
Muslims
Critics of Israel
Jews
Hitler
People who believe that a vaccine is more effective than prayer
People who believe in evolution
People who believe the earth is more than six thousand years old
Christians who don't take the Bible literally
People who disagree with my interpretation of an ancient Jewish manuscript written in a completely different time, culture, and context to my own
Christians who don't own and read the King James Version of the Bible
Christians who go to a different church than me
Christians who believe in free will
People who have not asked Jesus into their heart of their own free will
People who have never heard about Jesus
People who believe that people who have never heard about Jesus will end up in heaven
People who don't believe in Hell
Fornicators
Masturbators
Goats
Gymnasts
People who dance
People who engage in pre-marital hand-holding
Women who speak in church
Women who wear pants
Women who cause men to sin by wearing dresses that are too short
Men who wear dresses
Women who think they are men
Men who think they are women
Women who support men who think they are women
Men who support women who think are men
Men who like men
Women who like women
Men and women who affirm and support men who like men and women who like women
Adulterers (unless they are men)
Rapists (unless the rapist and their victim are married)
Drunkards
People who like rock music
People with tattoos
People who have read any of the Harry Potter books
People who watch horror movies
People who enjoy life
Witches
Fortune tellers (unless you call it a prophetic word from the Lord)]
People who gossip (unless it's to collect prayer requests)
People who are greedy
People who are absurdly rich (unless they are a televangelist)
People who walk away from the evangelical church after three and a half decades
Dead people
People who see dead people
Cats
You
Hey, it's because I love you that I am warning you that you're going to end up in Hell if you don't repent and start believing exactly the same things I do. In fact, you're pretty darn lucky that I am so enlightened and can show you the error of your ways.
Don't you feel better now that you've heard the 'Good News' of the Gospel?
I sure do!
In fact, I'm sure glad that I have faithfully administered my Christian duty by warning you about Hell.
Hallelujah!
Hell.
As a child growing up in the evangelical tradition, I was taught that Hell is a literal place located somewhere in the bowels of the earth, where our supposedly loving and benevolent God condemns people to an eternity of fiery torture.
Yikes!
Sounds like a place you should avoid, don't you think?
Fortunately for you, I have drawn on every bit of my three and a half decades of experience in the evangelical church to compile a definitive list of people who will end up there. Drawn from the thousands of sermons I've been forced to listen to, along with the off-handed remarks I've heard from hardcore fundamentalist Christians who enjoy making mental listicles of sins that disqualify people from entering into their eternal bliss think of this list as your personal guide on how to avoid eternal torment.
All you have to do is make sure you're not one of these types of people, and you're set.
Who ends up in Hell?
Many fundamentalist 'Christians' maintain that Hell is reserved for people who are immoral. Helpfully, they are able to narrow this down into a few specific types of people:
People who voted for Clinton, Obama, Biden, or any democratic president in history
Liberals
Communists
Liars (unless they are also elected Republicans)
Thieves
Murderers
People who are violent
People who question my constitutional right to bear arms under the second amendment
People who question my right to invade other countries so that we can find and remove their weapons from them
People who don't live in the United States of America
Atheists
Agnostics
Catholics (according to protestants)
Protestants (according to Catholics)
Hypocrites
Pagans
Muslims
Critics of Israel
Jews
Hitler
People who believe that a vaccine is more effective than prayer
People who believe in evolution
People who believe the earth is more than six thousand years old
Christians who don't take the Bible literally
People who disagree with my interpretation of an ancient Jewish manuscript written in a completely different time, culture, and context to my own
Christians who don't own and read the King James Version of the Bible
Christians who go to a different church than me
Christians who believe in free will
People who have not asked Jesus into their heart of their own free will
People who have never heard about Jesus
People who believe that people who have never heard about Jesus will end up in heaven
People who don't believe in Hell
Fornicators
Masturbators
Goats
Gymnasts
People who dance
People who engage in pre-marital hand-holding
Women who speak in church
Women who wear pants
Women who cause men to sin by wearing dresses that are too short
Men who wear dresses
Women who think they are men
Men who think they are women
Women who support men who think they are women
Men who support women who think are men
Men who like men
Women who like women
Men and women who affirm and support men who like men and women who like women
Adulterers (unless they are men)
Rapists (unless the rapist and their victim are married)
Drunkards
People who like rock music
People with tattoos
People who have read any of the Harry Potter books
People who watch horror movies
People who enjoy life
Witches
Fortune tellers (unless you call it a prophetic word from the Lord)]
People who gossip (unless it's to collect prayer requests)
People who are greedy
People who are absurdly rich (unless they are a televangelist)
People who walk away from the evangelical church after three and a half decades
Dead people
People who see dead people
Cats
You
Hey, it's because I love you that I am warning you that you're going to end up in Hell if you don't repent and start believing exactly the same things I do. In fact, you're pretty darn lucky that I am so enlightened and can show you the error of your ways.
Don't you feel better now that you've heard the 'Good News' of the Gospel?
I sure do!
In fact, I'm sure glad that I have faithfully administered my Christian duty by warning you about Hell.
Hallelujah!
Waco1947 ,la