* * Fun With Dick and Jane

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Max Quad
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1:13p, 2/12/21
How many avant-garde artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Glass onion.
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Max Quad
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1:15p, 2/12/21
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

That's not funny.
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Max Quad
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1:17p, 2/12/21
A three-legged dog goes into a saloon and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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Max Quad
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1:21p, 2/12/21
A minister, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? A joke?
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Max Quad
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1:33p, 2/12/21
"Well, s**t," said the queen, and all the knights strained their guts, because in those days, the queen's word was the law.
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Max Quad
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1:40p, 2/12/21
"Man, I'm having a hard time quitting cigarettes."
"You should drink a quart of buttermilk and jump into a tub of ice water."
"Will that help?"
"Help what?"
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4th and Inches
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2:18p, 2/12/21
I wish to be cremated as it is my last chance at a smoking hot body.
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4th and Inches
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2:19p, 2/12/21
swimming in an ocean of orange soda is just a Fanta sea.
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4th and Inches
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2:20p, 2/12/21
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
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4th and Inches
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2:38p, 2/12/21
Maybe the solution to rising sea levels is just to grow more sponges?
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4th and Inches
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10:53a, 2/13/21
I don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.
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4th and Inches
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10:54a, 2/13/21
Becoming a vegetarian is one big missed steak.
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4th and Inches
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11:00a, 2/13/21
My friend's bakery burned down last night. His business is toast.
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Assassin
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1:18p, 2/13/21
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there'd never be a problem.
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Assassin
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1:19p, 2/13/21
I bet Waldo's parents are worried sick.
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Assassin
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1:40p, 2/13/21
Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea.

You're gonna have to trust me on this...
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4th and Inches
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3:13p, 2/13/21
My wife refuses to go to a nude beach with me. I think she's just being clothes-minded!
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Assassin
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4:47p, 2/13/21
Jeez Louise!

I make one mistake and now my pharmacist adds "by mouth" on the prescription label...
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Wichitabear
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In reply to Assassin • 4:59p, 2/13/21
Assassin said:
Jeez Louise!

I make one mistake and now my pharmacist adds "by mouth" on the prescription label...
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Assassin
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4:30p, 2/27/21
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day...
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Assassin
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6:02p, 2/27/21
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
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4th and Inches
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5:35p, 2/28/21
Tried to catch some fog yesterday....

Mist
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Assassin
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12:19p, 3/1/21
Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong?

60 years later we are still asking...
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Assassin
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3:35p, 3/1/21
I've found that the things I'm most interested in aren't really in my best interest.
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Assassin
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3:36p, 3/1/21
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack...
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Assassin
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7:24p, 3/7/21
All my life I've wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
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Assassin
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7:24p, 3/7/21
Are you supposed to get an email that says "HAHAHAHAHA" after signing up for Match. com?
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Assassin
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7:25p, 3/7/21
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
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Assassin
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7:25p, 3/7/21
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
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Assassin
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7:26p, 3/7/21
Frankly auto correct, I'm getting tired of your shirt...
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Assassin
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6:39p, 3/13/21

Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
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Assassin
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3:00p, 3/17/21
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
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Assassin
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3:38p, 3/17/21
I've been told that I never take responsibility for anything...

It's all your fault!
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Assassin
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3:38p, 3/17/21
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whomp"?

Oh, there it is.
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Assassin
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7:14p, 3/19/21
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
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