* * Fun With Dick and Jane

26,311 Views | 522 Replies | Last: 11 hrs ago by Assassin
Max Quad
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How many avant-garde artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Glass onion.
Max Quad
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

That's not funny.
Max Quad
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A three-legged dog goes into a saloon and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Max Quad
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A minister, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? A joke?
Max Quad
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"Well, s**t," said the queen, and all the knights strained their guts, because in those days, the queen's word was the law.
Max Quad
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"Man, I'm having a hard time quitting cigarettes."
"You should drink a quart of buttermilk and jump into a tub of ice water."
"Will that help?"
"Help what?"
4th and Inches
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I wish to be cremated as it is my last chance at a smoking hot body.
4th and Inches
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swimming in an ocean of orange soda is just a Fanta sea.
4th and Inches
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Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
4th and Inches
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Maybe the solution to rising sea levels is just to grow more sponges?
4th and Inches
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I don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.
4th and Inches
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Becoming a vegetarian is one big missed steak.
4th and Inches
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My friend's bakery burned down last night. His business is toast.
Assassin
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If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there'd never be a problem.
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Assassin
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I bet Waldo's parents are worried sick.
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Assassin
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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea.

You're gonna have to trust me on this...
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4th and Inches
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My wife refuses to go to a nude beach with me. I think she's just being clothes-minded!
Assassin
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Jeez Louise!

I make one mistake and now my pharmacist adds "by mouth" on the prescription label...
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Wichitabear
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Assassin said:

Jeez Louise!

I make one mistake and now my pharmacist adds "by mouth" on the prescription label...
Assassin
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day...
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Assassin
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Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
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4th and Inches
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Tried to catch some fog yesterday....

Mist
Assassin
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Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong?

60 years later we are still asking...
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Assassin
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I've found that the things I'm most interested in aren't really in my best interest.
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Assassin
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I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack...
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Assassin
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All my life I've wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
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Assassin
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Are you supposed to get an email that says "HAHAHAHAHA" after signing up for Match. com?
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Assassin
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I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
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Assassin
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If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
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Assassin
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Frankly auto correct, I'm getting tired of your shirt...
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https://memoriesofdallas.org/
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Assassin
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Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
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Assassin
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Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
Assassin
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I've been told that I never take responsibility for anything...

It's all your fault!
Assassin
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Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whomp"?

Oh, there it is.
Assassin
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Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
 
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