* * Fun With Dick and Jane

26,325 Views | 522 Replies | Last: 12 hrs ago by Assassin
Assassin
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I noticed the toilet roll incorrectly installed in your selfie.
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Assassin
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I can tell which people are judgmental just by looking at them.
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Assassin
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If I drove a UPS truck there's a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Assassin
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Nothing like responsibility to ruin a perfectly good day...
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Assassin
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I used to date a magazine editor.

I broke up with her because she had too many issues.
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Wichitabear
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These are great.
Assassin
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The guy who invented the Time Machine just died....


Bob Jones RIP
2187-2020
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Assassin
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Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
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Assassin
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I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.
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Assassin
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Pretty sure airport food was priced by kids just learning numbers.

"Ok Cooper, how much should this apple cost?"

"A THOUSAND DOLLARS!"
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Assassin
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Assassin
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I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved...
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Assassin
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Assassin
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That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk too long, it breaks, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people
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Assassin
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You seem to have a good grip on reality.

You're new here, aren't you?
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Assassin
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They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away.

Seems a bit far fetched...
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Max Quad
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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

- Groucho Marx
Assassin
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Seeking one night stand.

I might need two though, I read a lot of books...
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Assassin
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If you're having second thoughts, you're two ahead of most people.
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4th and Inches
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Assassin said:


If you're having second thoughts, you're two ahead of most people.
Wichitabear
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Assassin said:

Seeking one night stand.

I might need two though, I read a lot of books...
lol just like you
Assassin
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If the voices in my head were a gal with a British accent I would listen to them more often...
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Assassin
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My first mistake was thinking she couldn't hit a moving target.
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beardoc
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there are 3 kinds of people in the world: those who are good at math and those who aren't.
Assassin
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I'm still kind of ticked they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
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Wichitabear
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Assassin said:


I'm still kind of ticked they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
Assassin
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Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
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Assassin
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I'm at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of going to the grocery store...
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Assassin
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Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
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Assassin
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Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package...
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Max Quad
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Malbec said:

Maybe the solution to rising sea levels is just to grow more sponges?

AOC?
Assassin
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You never truly appreciate Newton's laws of motion until you've sneezed while going number 1...
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Assassin
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Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
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Assassin
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I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.
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Assassin
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There's no easy way to steal a watermelon.
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