* * Fun With Dick and Jane

26,316 Views | 522 Replies | Last: 12 hrs ago by Assassin
Assassin
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I never make the same mistake twice. I make sure its at least three or four times just to be sure...
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saabing bear
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There are 3 kinds of people, those who can count and those who can't.

To err is human, to moo, bovine.
BaylorProud77
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DioNoZeus said:

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken
lololololol, that is so bad
Assassin
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lost in translation?

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Assassin
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This spider just got away from me because I made the classic mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before squashing him.
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Assassin
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Behind every good selfie is approximately 34 nearly identical pictures that didn't quite make the cut...
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Assassin
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Is it strange to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me?
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Assassin
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Hard to like people who can't make fun of themselves.

It means more work for me...
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Assassin
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Assassin
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Honestly Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me like that...
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Assassin
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Don't feel down because you had a bad day - Chin Up!

Tomorrow is a new day - the worst is yet to come...
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Roy Rogers
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Assassin said:

Don't feel down because you had a bad day - Chin Up!

Tomorrow is a new day - the worst is yet to come...
"Sic em yesterday, sic em today, sic em forever"
Assassin
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Assassin
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
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Assassin
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I have a birthmark on my butt cheek, I call it my ass-fault
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Assassin
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My friend said, "You remind me of a ketchup bottle"

I said, "I'll take that as a condiment"
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Assassin
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Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
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Assassin
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Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.
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Roy Rogers
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Something about subtraction just doesn't add up.
"Sic em yesterday, sic em today, sic em forever"
Assassin
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I had to fire my masseuse today.

She rubbed me the wrong way.
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Roy Rogers
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Velcro is just a ripoff.
"Sic em yesterday, sic em today, sic em forever"
Roy Rogers
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What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.
"Sic em yesterday, sic em today, sic em forever"
Assassin
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Paddy says "Why do scuba divers fall into the water backwards Mick?"

Mick says "If they fell forwards they'd still be in the friggin' boat!"
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Assassin
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"It's a boy!" I shouted tears rolling down my face "I don't believe it. A boy!"

Its at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
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Roy Rogers
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Double negatives are a big no-no.
"Sic em yesterday, sic em today, sic em forever"
Assassin
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To the lowlife that stole 100 cans of Red Bull from me...I don't know how you can sleep at night!
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Roy Rogers
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What is a zebra?

26 sizes larger than an "A" bra
"Sic em yesterday, sic em today, sic em forever"
Assassin
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Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, but dang it, there's just no atmosphere.
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Assassin
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How do you organize a solar eclipse party?

Silly, you planet!
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Assassin
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Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."


Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them idiots, because I wasn't even home yesterday."
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Assassin
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Start each day with a positive thought such as, "I can go back to bed in only 17 short hours!"
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Assassin
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I'm drinking Pepsi from a Coke glass as I walk In the Out door.
I'm a rebel.
That's how I roll.
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Assassin
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It's Saturday. My neighbor has mowed his lawn AND weeded his garden.

In the meantime I've nearly reached the remote with my foot.
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Assassin
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90% of today's adulthood is spent simply deleting emails...
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BikerBear
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My wife came home last week and told me that she had to contribute $5 to charity so she could wear jeans at the office. She comes home today and tells me that she had to contribute $10 so she could wear shorts at the office. I told her that I didn't think I liked where this was going.
 
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