* * Fun With Dick and Jane

26,310 Views | 522 Replies | Last: 11 hrs ago by Assassin
4th and Inches
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Mr. Sippi said:

What's the difference between a brown-eyed aggy and a blue-eyed aggy?
The blue-eyed aggy's a quart low.
the other is full of sh...
Assassin
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My gal laughed at me when I said I made a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!





Assassin
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Couple get into bed..

He starts to kiss his wife.
She turns over & says "I'm sorry I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, I want to stay fresh."
The husband sadly turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over & taps his wife.
"Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
Assassin
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I can't believe pretzels are knot bread!
Assassin
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Two peanuts were walking down the street.

No they weren't.
Assassin
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My gal tried to beat me up with an old Elton John record...

But I'm still standing.
Mr. Sippi
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Assassin said:

My gal tried to beat me up with an old Elton John record...

But I'm still standing.


Saturday night's alright for fighting...
Baylor grad, 'Bama dad
Assassin
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If you play my day backwards, it's actually a really nice story about folks becoming less and less annoying.
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Assassin
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Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, pizza, stuff like that".

Apparently my soulmate is still out there...
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Assassin
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I just had to take my chameleon to the vets as he can't change color anymore.

A case of reptile dysfunction.
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Assassin
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I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken.


Met a girl dressed as an egg.

A question as old as time was answered.

The chicken.
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Assassin
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Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
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Mst
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What color is an aggy after an enema?
Clear.

Mst
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How do you tell the difference between an aggy and a cowboy?
The cowboy has the manure on the outside of his boots.
Assassin
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Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you!
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Assassin
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What happens in Vegas never happens to me...
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Mst
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There was an Indian chief who entered an iced-tea drinking contest.
He ended up drinking so much tea... he drowned in his own tea-pee!
Assassin
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If you think I drive you nutz now, just wait until I start answering your rhetorical questions!
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Assassin
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Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
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Mst
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How did the aggy find his sheep in the dark?
Very satisfying!
Assassin
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That first kiss in the morning is so special.

The dog enjoys it too.
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Assassin
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Every time I get a hair pimple in my nose, I'm reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild...
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Assassin
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Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
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Assassin
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Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. When I have a pessimistic thought I put $$ in.

It's currently half empty...
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Assassin
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All I'm saying is that Schwarzenegger isn't the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984...
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Assassin
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Don't let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
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Assassin
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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress.

Great, now I have that to worry about.
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Assassin
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The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5.

I told them, "Pre school!"
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Assassin
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I've just checked the BMI chart.

Apparently I'm 3 inches too short.
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Assassin
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Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.

After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
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Assassin
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You know what's really odd?

Numbers that aren't divisible by 2.
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Assassin
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Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.
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Assassin
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Boss: How good are you at Power Point?
Me: I Excel at it
Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?
Me: Word
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Assassin
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My boss just announced he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I've a hunch, it could be me.
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Assassin
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Me: What's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure, how much is that?
Bartender: $5
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase!
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