* * Fun With Dick and Jane

45,532 Views | 618 Replies | Last: 1 yr ago by saabing bear
4th and Inches
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Mr. Sippi said:

What's the difference between a brown-eyed aggy and a blue-eyed aggy?
The blue-eyed aggy's a quart low.
the other is full of sh...
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”

–Horace


“Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’ “
Assassin
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My gal laughed at me when I said I made a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!





Assassin
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Couple get into bed..

He starts to kiss his wife.
She turns over & says "I'm sorry I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, I want to stay fresh."
The husband sadly turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over & taps his wife.
"Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
Assassin
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I can't believe pretzels are knot bread!
Assassin
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Two peanuts were walking down the street.

No they weren't.
Assassin
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My gal tried to beat me up with an old Elton John record...

But I'm still standing.
Mr. Sippi
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Assassin said:

My gal tried to beat me up with an old Elton John record...

But I'm still standing.


Saturday night's alright for fighting...
Baylor grad, 'Bama dad
Assassin
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If you play my day backwards, it's actually a really nice story about folks becoming less and less annoying.
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Assassin
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Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, pizza, stuff like that".

Apparently my soulmate is still out there...
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Assassin
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I just had to take my chameleon to the vets as he can't change color anymore.

A case of reptile dysfunction.
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Assassin
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I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken.


Met a girl dressed as an egg.

A question as old as time was answered.

The chicken.
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Assassin
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Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
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Mst
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What color is an aggy after an enema?
Clear.

Mst
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How do you tell the difference between an aggy and a cowboy?
The cowboy has the manure on the outside of his boots.
Assassin
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Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you!
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Assassin
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What happens in Vegas never happens to me...
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Mst
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There was an Indian chief who entered an iced-tea drinking contest.
He ended up drinking so much tea... he drowned in his own tea-pee!
Assassin
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If you think I drive you nutz now, just wait until I start answering your rhetorical questions!
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Assassin
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Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
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Mst
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How did the aggy find his sheep in the dark?
Very satisfying!
Assassin
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That first kiss in the morning is so special.

The dog enjoys it too.
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Assassin
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Every time I get a hair pimple in my nose, I'm reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild...
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Assassin
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Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
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Assassin
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Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. When I have a pessimistic thought I put $$ in.

It's currently half empty...
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Assassin
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All I'm saying is that Schwarzenegger isn't the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984...
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Assassin
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Don't let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
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Assassin
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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress.

Great, now I have that to worry about.
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Assassin
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The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5.

I told them, "Pre school!"
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Assassin
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I've just checked the BMI chart.

Apparently I'm 3 inches too short.
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Assassin
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Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.

After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
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Assassin
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You know what's really odd?

Numbers that aren't divisible by 2.
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Assassin
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Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.
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Assassin
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Boss: How good are you at Power Point?
Me: I Excel at it
Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?
Me: Word
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Assassin
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My boss just announced he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I've a hunch, it could be me.
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Assassin
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Me: What's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure, how much is that?
Bartender: $5
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase!
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