* * Fun With Dick and Jane

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Assassin
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1:50p, 6/21/21
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I'm not a serial killer?

I replied the chances of two serial killer's being in the same car are astronomical.
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Assassin
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7:24p, 6/28/21
In old Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you. However, Poison IV would just make you itchy
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Assassin
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11:08a, 6/29/21
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
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Assassin
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12:56p, 6/30/21
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me.

The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."
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4th and Inches
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8:52p, 6/30/21
I asked the IT guy, "How do you make a Motherboard?" He said, "I tell her about my job."
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4th and Inches
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8:54p, 6/30/21
I dont let my kids watch the orchestra, Too much sax and violins.
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Malbec
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9:10p, 7/1/21
Nostradamus sent out "Save the Date" cards for his funeral.
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Malbec
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9:13p, 7/1/21
I'm so old. I made my wife a mixed tape for our anniversary that she had to play on a Gramophone.
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4th and Inches
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9:26p, 7/2/21
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
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4th and Inches
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10:41p, 7/2/21
I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.
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Assassin
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10:30a, 7/3/21
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It's the bottom of Beethoven's 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
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Assassin
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10:31a, 7/3/21
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could've been avoided had architects just made their towns big enough for everyone...
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Assassin
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4:45p, 7/3/21
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beardoc
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In reply to Assassin • 9:36a, 7/4/21
Assassin said:
I named my dog '6 miles' so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.
4th and inches told it better.
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Assassin
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4:34p, 7/4/21
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 7.
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Assassin
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4:35p, 7/4/21
The guy who named the "Chimichanga" should really be given more authority to name things
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Assassin
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1:58p, 7/6/21
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn't agree.
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Assassin
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4:15p, 7/6/21
People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing.
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Assassin
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4:27p, 7/11/21
My train of thought is loco, no motive
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Assassin
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4:27p, 7/11/21
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right! Tomorrow I'm going to try three.
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Mr. Sippi
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In reply to Assassin • 4:45p, 7/11/21
Assassin said:
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right! Tomorrow I'm going to try three.

Two wrongs don't make a right -- but three left turns do...
Baylor grad, 'Bama dad
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Assassin
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In reply to Mr. Sippi • 5:02p, 7/11/21
Mr. Sippi said:
Assassin said:
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right! Tomorrow I'm going to try three.

Two wrongs don't make a right -- but three left turns do...
But four left turns.....
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Assassin
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5:06p, 7/11/21
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.
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Assassin
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11:53a, 7/26/21
If the chemical symbol for water is H2O...

Is the chemical symbol for holy water H2Omg?
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Assassin
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11:53a, 7/26/21

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
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Assassin
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12:23p, 7/26/21
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever...
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Assassin
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5:57p, 7/26/21
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
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Assassin
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3:22p, 7/31/21
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don't do anything & they live for 150 years. Hmm...
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Assassin
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3:22p, 7/31/21
I get carried away sometimes

Usually because I refuse to leave
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4th and Inches
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3:46p, 8/4/21
Just finished my cardio for the week, I hate walking into spider webs!
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beardoc
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4:35p, 8/4/21
Is it legal to pay midgets under the table?
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Assassin
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9:55p, 8/4/21
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don't get smart with me!"
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Assassin
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9:56p, 8/4/21
I'm currently watching the Spanish version of The Highlander.

There can only be Juan!
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Assassin
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1:55p, 8/5/21
I tried to give a cute waitress my number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
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Assassin
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1:57p, 8/5/21
I'm tried paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
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