* * Fun With Dick and Jane

26,297 Views | 522 Replies | Last: 10 hrs ago by Assassin
Assassin
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What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe!
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Assassin
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https://twitter.com/****Jokes/status/987412933209677826
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Assassin
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Building the city on Rock and Roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.
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Assassin
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The older I get the earlier it gets late.
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Assassin
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I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
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Assassin
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Today I went to the john and forgot my cellphone.

There's 473 tiles in my bathroom.
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Assassin
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What do you call a Magician without magic?

Ian
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Assassin
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Two reasons why I don't drink toilet water.

Number 1
Number 2
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Assassin
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Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Nothing bad has happened, I'm just trying to be proactive.
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Assassin
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The Internet was created to save us time.

the irony...
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Assassin
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Whenever I hear someone say "STOP" -

my brain says "Hammer Time!
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4th and Inches
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Assassin said:

Whenever I hear someone say "STOP" -

my brain says "Hammer Time!
more often than i would like to admit...
Malbec
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I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40.

40 kids is way too much by almost any standard.





Malbec
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The cannibal was late for dinner, so his wife gave him the cold shoulder.




Assassin
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Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders...

NOW you're up!
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Assassin
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There simply aren't enough songs written about the exact moment you see your luggage appear at the airport baggage claim...
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Assassin
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What do you call a whale with no pants on?


Free Willy.
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Assassin
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Nothing sadder than the look on a dog's face when you drop food from the table and they realize it's lettuce...
Assassin
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What do you give to the woman who has everything?

My phone number!
Assassin
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Her: I love it when we finish each other's...

Him: Pancakes
beardoc
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I finally got my wife to stop buying chair fabric. She's a recovering upholsterer.
Assassin
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Just hired two Private Investigators to follow each other.

I'll keep you posted...
Assassin
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I used to have superpowers but my psychiatrist took them away.
Assassin
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Last Halloween the doorbell rang and there's a girl dressed as Gloria Gaynor.

At first I was afraid... then I was petrified!
BearlyNose
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If God meant for us to hop out of bed in the morning, He would have made certain we all slept in toasters.
Assassin
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Dont cry 4-3 Argentina...
Assassin
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Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow...
Assassin
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You know why it's called almond milk?

Cuz you can't say nut juice with a straight face...
Assassin
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Men go through 3 stages in life:


Drinking from boobs
Staring at boobs
Growing boobs
Assassin
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A snake walks into a bar.

The barkeep says, "How'd you do that?"
Assassin
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My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.
Assassin
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To the guy who stole my antidepressants,

I hope you're happy now.
Assassin
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I went to the doctors and told my doctor I'd broken my arm in three places.

"Well, don't go to those places" he replied.
beardoc
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My wife was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but she turned herself around.
Assassin
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Just asked Siri, "Surely it's not going to rain today?"


She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"

..forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
 
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