* * Fun With Dick and Jane

26,091 Views | 518 Replies | Last: 2 days ago by Assassin
Assassin
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"Teeter Totter" is a really silly name for toddler catapults.
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Assassin
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I'm more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention...
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Assassin
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I'm glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
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Assassin
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Assassin
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Three things that always tell the truth;
1. Young Children
2. Drunks
3. Yoga Pants
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Assassin
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What is the longest sentence known to man?

I do.
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Assassin
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Assassin
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This rich guy had a butler who had lost his left arm; serves him right.
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Nguyen One Soon
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The urinal -- Where every man can hold his own.


"If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time."
"If I had known you had more time, I would have taken my pantyhose off."
Assassin
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You know you're getting old when you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
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Assassin
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey.
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Assassin
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The urge to sing "The lion sleeps tonight" is only just a whim away.
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Assassin
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I've been with my gal ten years today! Making whoopee with just one person in ten years is pure dedication.

I don't know how she does it.
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Assassin
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A boy asks his Dad one day, "Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"
His Dad replies, "Because she was conceived in Paris."
The boy says, "Ahh, thanks Dad."
His Dad says, "You're welcome, Backseat."
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Assassin
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Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack...
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Assassin
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I used to be a narcissist.

But now look at me!
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Assassin
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Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
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Assassin
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Franko
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Fun with headlines:

http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2017/10/11/no-johnson-for-eagles-but-cox-and-smallwood-are-game-time-decisions/

Have your ears listen to this right now:
https://youtu.be/ARWT471RSp0
Assassin
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Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers...
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Assassin
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About to watch a flick with my girlfriend.

Can anyone recommend a girlfriend?
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Assassin
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Can someone tell me who played Forrest Gump?

T.hanks
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Assassin
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How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
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Assassin
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The trouble with living alone is that it's always my turn to do dishes.
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BUBruin88
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My daughter married an Irishman.

O, really?

No, O'Reilly!
Assassin
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So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback.
Assassin
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What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.
Assassin
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He died doing what he loved... surprising tigers.
Assassin
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Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence.

For instance:

"Ben is in a hurry."

"Ben is in a coma."
Assassin
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I was drinking at the bar last night, so I took a bus home.

May not sound like a big deal 2 u, but I'd never driven a bus before.
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Assassin
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I discovered I have an amazing superpower! I found I can melt ice cubes just by staring at them. It takes a few hours though...
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Assassin
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I've just poured Superglue into one of those non-stick pans you see on QVC.

Someone's going to be wrong.
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Assassin
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This healthy diet thing is dangerous - I just cut myself peeling an apple.

That would have never happened with a DingDong.
Assassin
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Facebook reminds me of what my granny used to say at reunions, "Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about?"
Assassin
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Wife texts hubby, ''Windows frozen!''
He replies, ''Pour some hot water over it.''
Wife, ''Computers totally screwed!"
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