* * Fun With Dick and Jane

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Assassin
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2:01p, 8/5/21
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it's for them?
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Malbec
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6:37a, 8/21/21
You old guys will get this one...

When you are negotiating a deal, and some minor sticking point comes up, just consider it like a Charlie's Angels date. You would prefer to go to dinner with Jaclyn Smith, but it's not a deal-breaker if Cheryl Ladd answers the door.
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Malbec
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6:43a, 8/21/21
This woman friend in my office set me up on a blind date with someone she knew. The next day, the woman complained to her that I was drunk the whole date. My friend told her, "Not at all, he just has an inebriated personality."
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Malbec
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6:48a, 8/21/21
We accepted an offer on the sale of our house. When the inspector came, he said the cracks in our walls were the result of foundation issues. I told him it wasn't true. They were the result of me leaving the toilet seat up.
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Malbec
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6:52a, 8/21/21
My kids kept inviting their neighbor friends over to swim in our pool. I always thought they looked kind of sketchy, so I put some of that stuff in the pool that turns the water blue when someone pees in it. I'm almost scared to ask, but does anybody know what it means when the water turns red?
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Malbec
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6:58a, 8/21/21
We were going to have a cookout with steaks at my house, so asked my friend what would be the best cuts to buy. He said I should go straight to the source. About half-way through being chased around the pasture, I realized he probably meant to ask the butcher.
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Malbec
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7:01a, 8/21/21
My dog has been scratching a lot lately. He probably would have preferred a chew toy for his birthday instead of lottery tickets.
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Assassin
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3:25p, 8/21/21
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day
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Assassin
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3:26p, 8/21/21
I believe in magic because it's the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
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Assassin
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3:26p, 8/21/21
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Assassin
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3:35p, 8/21/21
Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a good boy.
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Assassin
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3:36p, 8/21/21
A big nose is no excuse to not wear a mask. I still wear pants.
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Assassin
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6:33p, 8/26/21
Midwife - People helping people get people out of people.
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Assassin
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6:34p, 8/26/21
The "i" before "e' rule is weird.
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Assassin
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6:34p, 8/26/21
I tried to share a meal with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to get lost and buy my own.
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Assassin
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5:35p, 8/29/21
I'm always making misstakes.
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Assassin
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5:35p, 8/29/21
I hate when things take forever and a day. I don't mind waiting forever. It's that extra day that kills me.
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Stemperford
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In reply to Assassin • 10:21p, 9/1/21
Assassin said:
I'm always making misstakes.
I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more.
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Assassin
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12:29p, 9/2/21
Whoever said 'you are your own worst critic' apparently never posted a video on Youtube.
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Assassin
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12:30p, 9/2/21
People are dying today before that never died before....
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nevadafoothill
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In reply to Stemperford • 2:32a, 9/3/21
Stemperford said:
Assassin said:
I'm always making misstakes.
I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more.
Try making a murder case, you'll learn a lot.
Re-Mapping the Page.
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Assassin
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5:27p, 9/3/21
Q: Why is an algebra book always unhappy?

A: Because it has lots of problems.
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Assassin
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4:01p, 9/6/21
It'd be pretty messed up if the cure for cancer was in those end-slices of bread...
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Assassin
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4:48p, 9/6/21
99% of people are just really dumb. Luckily, I'm part of the other 3%
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Assassin
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5:00p, 9/6/21
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
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4th and Inches
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6:11a, 9/10/21
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
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Assassin
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2:55p, 9/10/21
My life has a superb cast... I just can't figure out the plot.
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Assassin
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4:35p, 9/11/21
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me all at once.
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Assassin
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4:36p, 9/11/21
Texting + Facebook = Textbook.. so I'm studying right?
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4th and Inches
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3:05p, 9/14/21
Before surgery, my Anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle, it was an ether oar situation
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4th and Inches
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3:07p, 9/14/21
I told my doctor buddy that if you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock.

He said it was a humerus joke.
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Assassin
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5:14p, 10/1/21
I don't care if its a scam!

Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
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Assassin
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5:14p, 10/1/21
If your house doesn't have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
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Assassin
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5:15p, 10/1/21
What number SPF blocks people?
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Assassin
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5:16p, 10/1/21
If you think you aren't creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
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