* * Fun With Dick and Jane

26,318 Views | 522 Replies | Last: 12 hrs ago by Assassin
Assassin
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We'll We'll We'll...

If it isn't autocorrect...
Assassin
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My granddad warned people that the Titanic would sink. No one would listen, but he kept on warning them anyway. They finally got sick of him and kicked him out the theater...
Assassin
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When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them...
Assassin
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Lots of people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician...
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Assassin
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I went to an invite to a event that said "Black tie only!".


But when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos...
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Malbec
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Mother loses it in the grocery store and starts screaming at her son to stop whining at her.

Woman with no children walks by and says, "Look at that woman abusing that poor child!"

Woman with three children walks by and says, "What did that little brat do to that poor woman?"
Assassin
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I'm writing a musical about about puns.

It's a play on words.
Assassin
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I don't trust atoms.

They make up everything.
Assassin
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I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.

The odds were against me...
Assassin
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Why haven't aliens visited our solar system?

They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
Assassin
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What's the leading cause of death in the entire world?

Dying...
Assassin
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Maybe it's just me, but sometimes I think these Kardashians are doing stuff just for the attention...
Assassin
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Yo mama's so poor

The ducks throw bread at her.
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Assassin
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I got a rejection letter from the origami university today.


I'm not sure what to make of it...
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Assassin
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Turns out the Canary Islands do not have canaries.


Same thing with the Virgin Islands. No canaries.
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4th and Inches
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Whenever I undress in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on.

4th and Inches
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A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach. Dr said his condition is stable.
Assassin
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Assassin
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The day Walmart raised it's low prices

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Assassin
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https://www.facebook.com/groups/MemoriesofDallas/
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Assassin
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A New Year's resolution; Something that goes in one year and out the other.
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Assassin
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My New Years Resolution is to read more.

I'm putting the subtitles on my TV...
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Assassin
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It's 2019!

And still no thieves interested in my identity...
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Assassin
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I haven't spoken to my gal in about 3 weeks now.

I didn't want to interrupt her
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Assassin
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There was a kidnapping at my son's school.

It's okay though, he woke up.
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Assassin
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If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
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Assassin
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Bought some new seeds for my chickens, but they can't eat it.

It's impeccable.
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Assassin
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Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
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Assassin
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https://www.facebook.com/groups/MemoriesofDallas/
https://memoriesofdallas.org/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/texasfootball
4th and Inches
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When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman's body... Then I was born.
4th and Inches
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My wife told me: 'Sex is better on holiday.' That wasn't a nice postcard to receive...
4th and Inches
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People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves
Assassin
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I bought some new seeds for my chickens, but they can't eat it.

It's impeccable.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/MemoriesofDallas/
https://memoriesofdallas.org/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/texasfootball
Assassin
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I had a threesome a few days ago.


Two people didn't show up though, so I had to take matters in hand...
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4th and Inches
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I needed a password eight characters long so I picked...

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
 
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