* * Fun With Dick and Jane

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Assassin
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12:03p, 5/1/18
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe!
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Assassin
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10:04p, 5/2/18
https://twitter.com/****Jokes/status/987412933209677826
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Assassin
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8:20a, 5/3/18
Building the city on Rock and Roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.
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Assassin
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8:20a, 5/3/18
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
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Assassin
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8:21a, 5/3/18
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
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Assassin
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8:21a, 5/3/18
Today I went to the john and forgot my cellphone.

There's 473 tiles in my bathroom.
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Assassin
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8:21a, 5/3/18
What do you call a Magician without magic?

Ian
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Assassin
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8:22a, 5/3/18
Two reasons why I don't drink toilet water.

Number 1
Number 2
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Assassin
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9:51p, 5/7/18
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Nothing bad has happened, I'm just trying to be proactive.
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Assassin
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5:18p, 5/27/18
The Internet was created to save us time.

the irony...
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Assassin
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5:33p, 5/27/18
Whenever I hear someone say "STOP" -

my brain says "Hammer Time!
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4th and Inches
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In reply to Assassin • 6:37p, 5/27/18
Assassin said:
Whenever I hear someone say "STOP" -

my brain says "Hammer Time!
more often than i would like to admit...
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Malbec
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9:10p, 5/28/18
I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40.

40 kids is way too much by almost any standard.





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Malbec
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9:13p, 5/28/18
The cannibal was late for dinner, so his wife gave him the cold shoulder.




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Assassin
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9:39a, 5/30/18
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders...

NOW you're up!
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Assassin
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9:39a, 5/30/18
There simply aren't enough songs written about the exact moment you see your luggage appear at the airport baggage claim...
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Assassin
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12:00a, 6/10/18
What do you call a whale with no pants on?


Free Willy.
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Assassin
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9:12p, 6/25/18
Nothing sadder than the look on a dog's face when you drop food from the table and they realize it's lettuce...
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Assassin
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9:12p, 6/25/18
What do you give to the woman who has everything?

My phone number!
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Assassin
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9:12p, 6/25/18
Her: I love it when we finish each other's...

Him: Pancakes
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beardoc
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9:34p, 6/25/18
I finally got my wife to stop buying chair fabric. She's a recovering upholsterer.
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Assassin
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6:15a, 6/26/18
Just hired two Private Investigators to follow each other.

I'll keep you posted...
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Assassin
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6:15a, 6/26/18
I used to have superpowers but my psychiatrist took them away.
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Assassin
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6:15a, 6/26/18
Last Halloween the doorbell rang and there's a girl dressed as Gloria Gaynor.

At first I was afraid... then I was petrified!
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BearlyNose
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1:11a, 6/27/18
If God meant for us to hop out of bed in the morning, He would have made certain we all slept in toasters.
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Assassin
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9:13p, 6/30/18
Dont cry 4-3 Argentina...
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Assassin
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9:14p, 6/30/18
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow...
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Assassin
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9:30p, 6/30/18
You know why it's called almond milk?

Cuz you can't say nut juice with a straight face...
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Assassin
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8:20a, 7/1/18
Men go through 3 stages in life:


Drinking from boobs
Staring at boobs
Growing boobs
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Assassin
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8:17p, 7/31/18
A snake walks into a bar.

The barkeep says, "How'd you do that?"
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Assassin
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8:17p, 7/31/18
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.
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Assassin
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8:18p, 7/31/18
To the guy who stole my antidepressants,

I hope you're happy now.
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Assassin
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8:18p, 7/31/18
I went to the doctors and told my doctor I'd broken my arm in three places.

"Well, don't go to those places" he replied.
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beardoc
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3:37p, 8/1/18
My wife was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but she turned herself around.
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Assassin
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5:07p, 8/2/18
Just asked Siri, "Surely it's not going to rain today?"


She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"

..forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
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