* * Fun With Dick and Jane

26,306 Views | 522 Replies | Last: 11 hrs ago by Assassin
Assassin
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a bit of levity to brighten up your day. One liners, short jokes - take a swing
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I've just finished reading a book called "How To Give Constructive Criticism."

What a load of crap!
Assassin
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How many dyslexics does it take to change a light bulb?

Steven!
Assassin
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Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out either...
4th and Inches
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I saw an ad this morning for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
4th and Inches
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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
4th and Inches
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I sometimes watch birds and wonder "If I could fly who would I poop on?"
Assassin
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I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I'm in whey over my head.
Mr Tulip
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I told my girlfriend that I thought she drew her eyebrows on a little too high this morning.

She looked surprised.
Keyser Soze
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Oldbear83
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

(thanks to Stephen Wright)
That which does not kill me, will try again and get nastier
Assassin
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testing, testing...
Assassin
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I've been thinking of adding a bedroom on top of my house, but that's another story...
Assassin
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That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke and you get no reaction.

I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.
Assassin
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Assassin said:

That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke and you get no reaction.

I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.
I was follow that with a joke about Sodium but .....

Na.
Mr Tulip
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I lost an electron around here some place.

I'm positive!
Assassin
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Mr Tulip said:

I lost an electron around here some place.

I'm positive!
Let me atom!
Assassin
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Malbec
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I went all the way to the top of the Empire State Building. Then I put money into some binoculars to look at things on the ground.
Malbec
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I had a friend who passed away last week. He was scared half to death for the second time.
Malbec
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Maybe the solution to rising sea levels is just to grow more sponges?
Assassin
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Aggie Chick: "Someone told me I have chemistry with a cute guy. But I don't have Chemistry until next semester..."
Malbec
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I went to get a reading from a psychic the other day, but I walked out when she asked for my name.
Malbec
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If Sybil took an overdose of pills, would it be considered a murder-suicide?
DioNoZeus
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What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken
DioNoZeus
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I once knew this ostitute who liked to earn a little money on the side
marco
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The average woman is a size 10-14. My ex was an above average woman.
Malbec
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My deaf friend had his lawsuit thrown out. He was at a big disadvantage at the hearing.
Roy Rogers
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The girl told her father she wanted to become a bubble dancer. Her dad said "No Soap".
"Sic em yesterday, sic em today, sic em forever"
Assassin
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I can't stand it when people don't know the difference between your and you're.

There so dumb.
Assassin
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The kids have been throwing Scrabble tiles at each other again.

I keep telling them to stop it or someone's gonna lose an i.
Assassin
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Life was so simple before my gal moved in. I had absolutely no idea that there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.
Assassin
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Assassin
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For Sale, Limited Edition bottle of "White Out"

It's a corrector's item.
Roy Rogers
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The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
"Sic em yesterday, sic em today, sic em forever"
Assassin
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